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i am a turtle.   
06:15pm 14/12/2002
  i am a little turtle.

and as it's always been,

i have a little shell to protect me

and in which for me to hide in.

as long as it is here for me my enemies stay away,

but now i have this feeling that has put me in dismay.

i feel a heavy load pushing upon my back,

after it keeps pushing i feel a little crack.


but somehow despite my slowness i manage to run away.

but now there is problem, i must grow my shell back.

but during this vulnerable stage, how will i survive attack?

there is no where to run,

there is no where to hide.

if it does not grow back soon then surely i will die.

i've stayed away from predators, but now the softest touch

sends me into a spasm because it will hurt so much.

sure it isn't much, and if my shell were here,

i simply could ignore it (OH MY SHELL I HOLD SO DEAR!)

i wouldn't even notice, i'd simply think about

the things that make me happy and things i could live without.

but now i start to notice, these little bitty pains

that once were unimportant, but now i'm stuck in bitter rain.

when this shell grows back, i'll be myself again.

but until then i must be strong or come to bitter end.

for when it has returned to me i will survive the worst,

oh this little shell that's protected me ever since my birth.

(4 bitchslaps | wack me like a penguin would)

woo hoo!!   
09:41pm 22/08/2002

Your song is...

Wonder Boy

Take out your
broadsword... There's
the hydra. Slice his
nuts! And grab his
scrote. You take the
high road, I'll take
the low. There, the
crevasse... Fill it
with your mighty

Quiz created by LenPal

Wonder Boy

What's your Tenacious D song?


(wack me like a penguin would)

it's been waaaaaaaay too long........   
02:28am 03/08/2002
  ok....... this summer has turned out to be busy....... for i am a very busy girl. band camp, drum camp, friends i never knew i had, the zoo, less than jake, hours of excercise and miles of walking. i don't feel like being detailed for they were all just a series of moments that i can never regain and never want to. for i could never explain exactly how i felt at any of them. i think all of this busy behavior mainly started when i almost died. you see...... i was totally relaxed and it never occured to me at that particular place and time that i could die. see...... it's instilled in me always at the back of my mind that God could take me off of this earth at any moment he chose. nothing and no one could save me if he wanted me gone that badly. but that day i was not thinking that thought anywhere. and i almost suffocated. and i knew the end was near. and i understood the feeling and the moments of pain before that sort of conventional death. then i puked on myself and shared my epiphany with mary. damn wendy's. yup..... i want to beat the shit out of everyone who tries to give her misery. i used to be one of those people but not anymore. she hasn't done shit to anyone and if she has there's about a 90% chance that they deserved it or that it was unintentional. she's playing viola in an opera now and i'm happy for her. *hugs murreh* i love you so much. yup.... this summer i think i changed everything i hate about myself. except for two things.... i'm still fat, and i still don't have any self esteem. but ya know what??? everything else has changed.... the oppinions of others are a lot less valued now and i understand consciously who i want to change for and who just isn't worth it. my mom taught me an interesting medical fact...... people spend so much money making their face what they think to be perfect....... but if our faces were perfectly semmetrical we would look deformed. not just ugly but deformed..... this has been proven scientifically and mathematically using computers to draw out the design. i just thought that was cool. i'm gonna go to bed now.  

(1 bitchslap | wack me like a penguin would)

bad poetry...........   
12:30am 08/07/2002
  i feel so empty

i feel so numb

the drowning in nothing

taking it all away

i just want to take it all away

feels so good

can't feel truth

stay distracted

stay distracted

you'll never know the light off the tips of the petals

you'll never know the life it gives

you only see the reflection of someone else looking into its rays

so where do you stay?

swim in the pool of nothingness.

the sharp stabbing knives sit in your back.

yet you do not die.

drown yourself in its mediocre beauty.

(6 bitchslaps | wack me like a penguin would)

11:45pm 04/07/2002
  well yesterday was super fun and mary gotted a non retarded boyfriend!! and and and i looked in the mirror and something WONDERFUL happened!! i was all purty!! and i didn't give a fuck at that moment if anyone else in the world thought so cuz i was happy just the way i was. lately i've been reeeeeeeeally busy and my friends suddenly wanna hang out with me. catherine is becoming a pothead and it's funny. in fact....... it a month ago seemed sooooo highly unlikely that it's damn near impossible to believe now. oh yeah........ MUSHROOMHEAD AND SEVENDUST were cool. but i wanted to blow up the sun. it gaved me a headache. i saw brandon for the first time in like a month and a half and it made me realize how much i miss him when he isn't there. i made sure to call em today. he he he....... all the power went out at the mall and it was funny cuz the rent a piggies were FREAKIN OUT!! and i talked to the dude from this band i saw the other night called the volatiles and he was nice!! i am not gonna expect things to be good tomorrow though cuz if i believe that i am fine and everything's gonna stay as good as they are they go to hell. hopefully though i'll be lucky and things will be this way for a whiiiiiile. this time though, everything is different. i'm not happy because suddenly people like me...... i'm happy because i don't seem to care anymore about the people who don't. yesterday i met mary's friend jessica bellman. she was cool but it was funny cuz she just randomly grabbed this dude and now he's her boyfriend. i felt like a dork yesterday cuz i was the only person of the 3 of us who went home single. but mary made a good point....... it's not like i TRIED. we stayed up til 6 in the morning and i slept til 3. we now have a DEVIOUS plan but i can't reveal what it is. let's just say it's GUDE. VERY VERY GUDE. and mary has a devious plan involving me and ryan and everytime i say to her that i am going to give up cuz it's NEVER gonna happen she says the only reason it hasn't is because she is holding off on the plan........ *sighs* i'm just going to not think about all of this for a while and chill. everything either happens or it doesn't in situations like that and worrying and pondering does nothing. meanwhile........ i wanna go to brandon's house cuz i haven't been over there in a looooooooong time. or vice versa. just as long as the dude's around for me to chill with. i WANT to go shopping and to see the powerpuff girls movie with jessica tomorrow but i'm not going to anticipate it because my PLANS always fail. to beddy by i go. OH SHIT!! I HAFTA CLEAN MY ROOM!!  

(wack me like a penguin would)

11:56pm 26/06/2002
  i am watching orange county. oh yeah. jack black rocks my knee high socks! i went to a punk show last night, twas nice. i haven't been to one in a while. it would have been better if chris WHORE hadn't showed up. grr..... i get physically ill when i see that fucker. i shouldn't date anymore. guys keep traumatizing me. i also got pissed off cuz this guy told one of his female friends to smack me and then called me fat as i got in the car. i don't even KNOW the fucker........ but other than that it was awfully amusing. k.f.p. played and me likey likey them. and i'm pretty sure catherine did too. i didn't think she would like going to shows with me but she seemed to have fun. and oh yeah chuckie pissed on this retard's car but bill thought it was brian and they had a fight. i laughed. punk show violence amuses. brian won. with a broken arm. ummmm let's see what else...... umm nothing amusing. not EVEN gonna talk about ryan on this one. trying not to think in that direction.  

(wack me like a penguin would)

my first sneaking out experience...........   
05:46pm 21/06/2002
  catherine and i decided we were bored and had nothing to do. so we called our new friend timothy. he said he would hang out with us so we snuck out catherine's window and ben drove us to central to meet them. we stayed there for a bit but had to be quiet because we weren't supposed to be here...... grr...... his mommy showed up. we were all quite paranoid. i finally met andre. i don't see why murreh hates him so much but i trust her reasons. i just happen to respect him for SAVING OUR WHITE SUBURBAN ASSES!! see....... all the guys got stoned but not us because drug free is the way to be!! and these two dudes came over who neither of them liked and they told us we could have a ride home if we gave them head. we said no OVER AND OVER AND OVER but they kept saying we had no choice and saying it was either that or get mugged. andre told them off and said how fucked up that was and ended up in the end getting us a ride. but FUCK!! that 45 minutes or so while he was finding us one was terrifying!! i mean we are thinking that we're gonna hafta walk home 5 miles through the ghetto where cops run rampant. as a matter of fact........ we were PLANNING to walk home until we saw a cop car drive by the house. luckily this guy jonathan owed andre a favor so he snuck in his parents room and got the keys to his truck and drove us off. haha. he was supposed to be grounded. 'twas quite amusing. we were surprised though cuz the guys went through hell to get us home but THEY WANTED US TO COME BACK AND SEE THEM!!...... we figured they'd hate us for like ever but not in the least did they. we got into the house undetected and to this day have not been caught.  

(wack me like a penguin would)

wow! something GOOD HAPPENED TO ME!   
12:00am 15/06/2002
  well i've hung out with payne the last couple days. and i thought i didn't have any FRIENDS! i've decided i need to stop listening to myself when i start thinking shit like that. the first day we watched hedwig and the angry inch and then went a walking. we went to the dollar store and kind of noticed that EVERYONE IN THERE IS SO FRICKIN QUIET! we're not quite sure why but we were afraid to talk so we left. then we had some food at quizno's, which was quite excellent. i got a kid's meal and poor payne could afford no drink with his food...... so then we got this brilliant idea to get another straw and drink out of my cute little kiddie cup. the workers didn't seem to give a shit about us but GAWD ALL THE PEOPLE IN THERE WOULDN'T STOP STARING!!.... it was quite amusing..... we put my puzzle that came as a toy together at the table and then left taking tons of coffee mate and lemons with us. then we went to game exchange and keith came out, looked at us funny, and walked back. his eyes got huge and i'm not sure what exactly the fuck was going on. maybe i skurred him. who knows. then we did a bit more shopping and payne goes BACK to quizno's to get another refill and more lemon and creamer. then we walked BACK to his house and watched nurse betty and raided the liquor cabinet. i got out some martini shit and put about a shot glass worth in my orange juice. i wanted a buzz but not drunkeness and now i do not see how betsy gets her thrills outta that shit. see i didn't realize that orange juice was gonna make all that bacardi go straight to my head! my arm went numb and it was my left arm so i thought i was gonna have a heart attack but once payne explained why i was all good. twas quite odd. then my arm i couldn't burp or fart and i was all laid back. but there's no way in hell i will ever do that again cuz betsy makes me think alcohol sucks and so do preppies. them and AA make that a very unenjoyable practice for me. then we watched invader zim and payne was hooked. in fact when he came back over today i gaved him gir shoe laces. today was very cool too. we went to see scooby doo and talked to this guy who has an obsessing with headwig. he says it's gonna be his halloween costume! yay! that was the greatest stoner movie EVER! we all agreed that movie did NOT need to be rated pg. matthew lillard is my new hero and i want to have lots of sex with him! haha....... i mean seriously that movie rocked some socks. then we went home and listened to some tenacious d and watched now what. basically the whole two day has rocked my socks because well i've been so depressed lately and now people want to hang out with me. tomorrow jessica is supposed to come spend the night but we are both going out with our dads for fathers day. mary also leaves tomorrow to see her dads and i will miss her much but i am supposed to draw SKAGGS! well i gotsta get some sleep now...... NIGHTY NIGHT!  

(6 bitchslaps | wack me like a penguin would)

how did i manage THAT one?   
11:25am 12/06/2002
  ok this is pissing me off. i don't CARE if mary says she was just ranting and she's not pissed off at me i'm pretty sure if i said all that and then was like "oops! i'm sorry!" there wouldn't BE any forgiveness. period. i'm not gonna be pissed forever and i'll probly get over it pretty quickly but that wasn't something i deserved. i can't exactly read minds and i had no idea she was having a bad day. and i'm not self centered. if someone else needs me i'll sacrifice whatever i'm doing to help them. only a few people know that though because everyone else thinks what they want to and that never changes even when my actions show otherwise. i'm gonna read over my driver's manual now cuz i'm getting my permit tomorrow.  

(wack me like a penguin would)

why i hate mirrors........   
05:10am 12/06/2002
  i am depressed. i have just looked in a mirror. i see my face so lifeless and full of flaws. how anyone can look at it is beyond me. there's nothing anyone can do about this one. i've tried asking for help before. my therapist just gave me drugs and said "go." my parents just say how wonderful i am and whatever i think is wrong isn't. my friends say get over it. they don't wanna discuss it. why should they? anything wrong with me is my own fault right? it's my fault people don't like me. it's my fault i am so gross looking. i have no real friends because i am a shitty person. i look deeper into the mirror and think of it more like a year book. what do you remember about this person? did she have any friends? what can you remember about her? and so far i can't think of any good answers. because no one who remembers me has anything good to remember. but why complain? like i said it is my own fault again. then i look into the mirror like an obituary. is anyone sad that i'm gone? did i make one single life better while i was here? would anyone's life be better if i wasn't....... i can say yes. i just want something foolish that i cannot have. i want someone to love me despite my faults instead of pretending they aren't there like my parents. or trying to fix them the quick way like my therapist. or just plain ignoring me so they won't have to deal with it like my friends. if anyone can tell me one reason they are happy i'm alive or one person who needs me that i can help i'd shut up in a heart beat. i want to make someone happy even if it isn't me. but so far i've only seemed to be useful if i will have sex with someone or give them money or get revenge on someone for them. i'm not vengeful, i don't want to give anyone sex and usually i have no money. thusly, when am i ever useful? no one else cares. i'm the girl who the second they start talking you wait for them to shut up. when i walk in a room i either depress people by sitting by myself or annoy them by talking. i can't help it. it was never my intention. i don't want popularity or acceptance i just want something real. i want the people who tell me they care about me to really do it and not just say it. and i think i blew my chance because the one time i had that it was taken away. and everyone who i have thought cared about me changed and i realized they didn't. now i sit here and ponder. will anything EVER change? of course it won't. my mom and dad have both been divorced twice. that gives me no hope. it will probably happen to me too. that is assuming i ever get married. my sister doesn't give me much hope either. she was in the same boat as me. she was antisocial and didn't have close friends and guys were dicks to her too. now she just EMBRACES it all. she drinks too much and DOESN'T CARE if her friends care about her or not and LETS those stupid people fuck her. do you think i really want any of that as a future? so basically said shortly...... no one gives a shit now and never will. and i've tried for too long to deal with that. i've told myself it doesn't matter but it does. i don't need other people to live my life but sometimes i do need them to remind me that i have a purpose in being alive. like i said if there's anyone out there (there isn't) who has any reason why my being alive is an ok thing i will be happy. but i can't find that and so far it doesn't seem i ever will.........  

(wack me like a penguin would)

this reminds me.........   
12:59am 12/06/2002
  See what Care Bear you are.

YAY!........ this reminds me of those pictures i was supposed to draw. one was of grumpy bear kicking happy bears ass and one was of lucky bear sacrificing a baby bear with a black hood with the eyes cut out. i am one twisted little fucker.

(wack me like a penguin would)

a long walk ahead of me........   
05:15am 09/06/2002
  me and catherine just watched 7 hours of undressed. we're about to go on a 2 hour walk. sleep tonight is going to feel quite wonderful. i found out dee dee ramone died. i think i'm gonna wear my ramones shirt tomorrow. i bought the damn thing the weekend joey died. grr undressed for being so addictive. i realize that it is retarded but nothing is ever fully settled by the end of an episode. these people suck. for some reason i feel like calling timothy. *dies*  

(wack me like a penguin would)

behind every great black man is........   
01:03am 09/06/2002
  tha police?

a really cute butt?

probable cause?

NO! a strong black woman!

hehe....... me and wilson saw undercover brother today and she swears she saw him wearing orange converse. hehe. we've seen several pairs of orange converse in the past few days. funny. i didn't know they MADE them in orange til marching season and now they are..... EVERYWHERE!! EVERYWHERE I TELL YOU!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!...... i am growing quite fond of that dead kennedys song "riot"........ and for some reason i have a tendency to go around saying "tomorrow you're homeless, tonight it's a blast." in this cryptic voice. mary is being nice to me but she hasn't felt like hanging out in a few days. 'tis ok. hopefully she is not blowing me off but i doubt she would. tomorrow i think i am going to the mall with my sister. it is quite odd cuz i haven't been there in a WHILE. back when i had my tylenol i went often. this sucks. i need a new friend. don't get me wrong i love the ones i got but i feel a need to have something new in my life. a new person. a change in lifestyle (turn totally gay! jk.) a new place to go. a new biznatch. it isn't so much that i am unhappy but i dunno..... a little change every now and then is good. maybe i should reorganize my room or some shit. who knows?......

(wack me like a penguin would)

fighting crime, trying to save the world, here they come just in time! the POWERPUFF GIRLS!!   
06:25pm 08/06/2002
  wow bubbles! you defeated mojo jojo all by yourself! and by the way, YOU'RE HARDCORE!! hehehehehehehehe *jumps up and does punk show dance* did anyone feel a change in the atmosphere??  

(1 bitchslap | wack me like a penguin would)

no. i didn't die.   
01:07am 07/06/2002
  i went to lita's party tonight and i guess it was ok. timmy is a good liar cuz he will have you believe that you are cool with him before talking shit about you behind your back. he is either nice to people and an ass when they are not around or is just straight up an ass. period. grr him. he was talking shit behind my back. nora told me. die die die die die!!...... i had no idea that was lita's brother either....... i R retarded. ryan left today. it sucks. i miss him. i hope that while he is away he thinks of me at least once. and "gee it's nice to get away from vicki!" does NOT count. he thinks that when he gets home he will find me and timothy getting it on in his bed. eww. eww. eww. eww. eww. did i mention eww? catherine wants to get high now. that kerazy biznatch. i don't think we'll be able to do it yet cuz we broke and jonathan won't sell us less than 20 bones worth so i guess our choices are A: go to tim or brandon B: get more people in on the deal so that we can afford it...... both are pretty inconvenient so i guess we'll have to see. i still continue looking for a church where i can feel close to God. i do not find that sort of peace where i am. hypocrites i tell you hypocrites. they ask for forgiveness every sunday for something they KNOW they are going to do again. i know we all mess up but still........ when i ask for forgiveness i know i'm at least going to TRY to do right. they won't even do that. they make assumptions about me before they know me. and i can tell that when someone else is talking about something actually church related they are not listening. tim walker was saying how much he respects me because i can admit my flaws and how i am real and i have actual feelings about the subjects i learn there. i love him to death because he has changed his evil ways. most very godly boys are like that. matt changed when he went to guatemala. jason and tim saw the errors in their ways..... and well...... charlie just got a LOT of medication. i wouldn't mind being that way. i get closer all the time. i feel really sorry for the people who are not christians because of the hypocrites. i mean....... the stupidity of the wannabe righteous deludes the message to the point where it is meaningless. i am sick of talking philosophically. even vickerus the goddess of YEAH has to sleep sometimes. goodnight.  

(wack me like a penguin would)

02:11pm 30/05/2002
  last night murreh spent the night and we went to get shtuffs for her rat. she ended up getting it a leash and chew toys. it was kinda neato. then we went to blockbuster and rented the simpson's boxing game. for once i saw alexa, it was odd, she pops up in a dream and the next day there she is. her and timmy were at blockbuster and timmy says hi to me and mary and she does that whole "gawd why are you talking to those people? hurry up" type thing by just standing there and tapping her foot and being blatanly annoyed. it was stupid. no one cares and it just makes her look like MORE of a bitch. so here's where i fuck up. i don't just randomly tell people how i feel about them because i think it is tarded but i couldn't help it. timmy asks "you know alexa right?" and i say quite loudly without thinking twice, "yeah, she's a real BITCH!"...... so far everyone has thought that is funny but i just don't see it. then we played simpson's wrestling. all of the battles took a long time but all the characters had cool weapons and lisa had her EVIL SAXOPHONE OF DOOM!!..... it rocked my socks. then out of total boredom mary made me an icon and updated my lj. did a nice job if i do say so mahself. she sees a pop up. why we chose not to ignore it? it looked too funny and intriguing. it was supposed to find "pornographic" files in my computer. it didn't find a lot of true actual straight up PORN...... but it found 876 files that it found to be unsuitable for children with graphic content. it labeled the file porn if it so much as had the word or a picture of a TATTOO!! TATOO FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!...... some of the other funny shit it found was "file contains female nipple", file contains "satan", XXX,XXX,XXX, file contains "terrorist", so forth and so on. it was quite amusing to me. had i deleted all of what that program considers pornographic i would have NOTHING LEFT ON MY COMPUTER!!..... odd yes?.... then today we went to the mall. first we went to wendy's to eat lunch. now this encounter was much more pleasant than our LAST wendy's encounter. these very angry looking black men seemed to want to shoot mary for having a lynyrd skynyrd shirt on with a rebel flag (luckily she took off the bandana before she came to my house!). today was quite amusing for you see, my dear friend ryan thinks i am in love with a certain ball grabbing wendy's employee named john. as me and mary sat in there i kept making cracks about it and i think he heard me tell mary how sexie he looked washing tables. in fact he came by and gave me a really funny look like wtf??...... it was indeed odd. somewhat scary too. then we found a guy who looked like an adult ADAM....... he walked like adam too and he had a baby adam with him. it was SKURRY!!...... and mary said she had found my twin but when she pointed to him he was a tall muscular black man...... oh yeah...... i see the resemblance now. and alex was flicking rubberbands at me and turning afro ken into a muslim terrorist and screaming ALLAH! and telling me it was all my fault that my whole family was on antidepressants. you know it is sad because i used to think that and still sorta do. thanks for reminding me alex. what a great friend you are. really. ugh..... oh well i think i may just take a nap now and hopefully find something else to do tonight but if i don't it is fine cuz i've had a pretty super day.  

(wack me like a penguin would)

i thought murreh might like this......   
09:30am 29/05/2002

Who's SCREAM Do You Posess?
Quiz by Steph or Steph

(1 bitchslap | wack me like a penguin would)

about last night..........   
06:55am 29/05/2002
  yes i am aware that it is 7 in the morning and i have not awaked this early since school let out but my dream last night was quite upsetting. and it had to do with well....... lots of stuff..... let me just say what i remember...... it's starts out like a normal day and i am walking down the street...... but when i get to a certain part of the street i am pinned down by an invisible force. a force that i could fight if i wanted to but i am so in shock that i do not fight it. the strange thing is i am laying on the ground still being pinned but the force does not hurt me. until i start to feel it doing well...... not so good things..... then i feel ya know tongue.... and mild penetration.... not the kind of penetration where something actually goes in but the kind where you are well...... sizing up the situation. (this dream is entirely too detailed and it is sad that it made me so depressed but the details are completely necessary to show impact)....... then i remember the last time i walked down the street i was on.... and who i was with. no one else ever kissed like that either. it was my FAVORITE person..... if you've read my journal before you realize this is bullshit. CHRIS!!...... a person i never wanted to think of again had come back to haunt me.... while i'm doing something as harmless as walking. but i come to find in a few minutes that it is all in my head when someone helps me off of the ground with ease and it all stops. i sum it up to a psychotic episode and continue on my walk. on my way home i think to myself "i sure miss tyler's mom right about now." like i always do when i am somehow reminded of her. so when i get home i call tyler. well my friends...... tyler was not home. nor was stephanie or jerry. but her MOTHER OF ALL PEOPLE answered the phone. the phone of her home in virginia. and for some reason in all my confusion and fear i don't ask her why she isn't dead. in fact i talk to her for a full hour about tyler and how much i miss her and how depressing it is down here without her. i never think twice..... damn this is strange....... for this particular part of the dream i don't make a connection of anything being wrong until later. then my mother takes me to school. I THINK SCHOOL IS OUT BUT APPARENTLY NOT!!...... i'm supposed to be in ms. renfro's room but one of my teacher's is show episode two which is apparently out on video now in the dream (?) well at some point i need to go to the bathroom, and i go, but something looks different when i get there........ i see mr. peterman's room and ms. randall's as well..... not classes i have in high school but in JUNIOR HIGH....... and mr. brown is teaching a class....... i go in and change my clothes and i think there is a stall but suddenly it disappears and i realize i have changed in a luckily EMPTY hallway.... no one has seen me...... except for well..... alexa. now this is very odd because as you can tell i don't really think of her either way. but the one thing i do remember about her she makes very very VERY apparent she suddenly went IMMEDIATELY to one of her friends, Portia, and started speaking of me as if i didn't deserve to be here and was even more psychotic than i know i am. now i've been everywhere i don't want to go today but then i realize i am late for ms. renfro's class. i walk down the hall and give some lame excuse like i just got to school so she won't scream at me and she tells me i have to go to the office to get a pass so i just walk home. but for some reason there is no phone call about my random leaving of the middle/high school. for some reason i get the funny feeling of de ja vu like i'm walking down a very warped hell of memory lane but once again i could never believe to myself that my problems are anyone's fault but my own so i continue. why she does this i will never know but all i know is that i THOUGHT i was going to end my day well. my mommy drives me to virginia to see my besterestest friend tylenol. i don't really dream about the drive up there it's just that the dream implies that i was sleeping and i somehow got there. when i do wake up me and tyler go to some place. i cannot describe where i am going because i've never been to virginia and such a place may not even exist there. we are waiting in a line and once again her mother comes to meet us. i am in the line talking to the angry midget tylenol and all is good UNTIL I START SPEAKING TO WHAT I THINK REALLY IS HER MOTHER!!...... she started asking me who i was talking to and i was like...... "do you not see your mom right here?"....... big mistake...... she just looked at me with some sad eyes as i continued talking to her mom about all the stuff me and tyler were gonna do while i was on vacation. everyone thinks this is weird who is around and they ask tyler why she looks sad. she informs them that her mother is DEAD and they start to look afraid of me as well. i KNOW i do not have a 6th sense in that dream cuz she's the only dead person i see and she looks VERY alive as if the whole thing was a scandal. i knew she died but for some reason all throughout that dream it was like although i knew she just came back. no questions asked. she's just there. well i remember the next place i am as a white room. i am bitching to some psychiatrist about my problems and all that i have seen. they feel that they need to lock me up. i am mentally unstable. as their analysis puts it i am having visual halucinations of traumatic life experiences. so i was right and it is a memory lane from hell...... being taken advantage of while i was wasted, my best friend's mother and what was as good as my second mother dying, the bathroom i oded in, the teacher who made 3rd period hell, the girl who tried to make it apparent that i meant nothing to anyone, the two faced bitch who terrorized danielle and i's orlando trip, and the return of the two people i missed the most. it was sad really, thinking about what all that shit lead to. but somehow i faked a recovery quite well getting damn sick of that depressing facility and even with drugs still seeing all of the same things i'd seen before and ignoring them. from thence i wandered around aimlessly living life as i had before the incident and completely ignoring the fact that i was seeing all of what i knew was with me. after a while of ignoring it, it all seized to exist, for i was awakened. that is all. sleep beckons me if i can get back to it.  

(2 bitchslaps | wack me like a penguin would)

orlando and the aftermath   
09:14pm 27/05/2002
  i hate to admit it but jason was right. i DID have fun... even in spite of all the assholes on that trip..... monday was to universal.... there wasn't much i did there that i hadn't done before except for this kick ass jetson's ride which i loved to death...... and i hugged dave azer!! (i have no idea if i spelled his last name right or not) hehe........ for those of you unfamiliar with that name he is the host of slime time live.... he rocks my socks....... which is hard to do..... this makes me realize that i can hug anyone in the world that i want to!! MWAHAHA!! tuesday was busch gardens tampa....... i was in heaven.... big ass roller coasters and aminals!! lots of aminals!! as i walked into the park i saw this completely hot nerd boy wearing socks like mine and he smiled at me like "HELL YEAH!".... it was funny..... then we rode a bunch of the coasters.... at the end of all of them you see a picture of what you looked like on a certain part of them....at this one coaster called the kumba all of my group flipped off the camera but to our surprise they censored us!! our picture was just a big black line with legs hanging out from under it!! we thought it was sooooooo funny.... me and ally bought the keychain of it to show all of our friends and family.... so far the response has been insane laughter..... then we went to this tizight ice show and a bird show.... the trainer guy was scary.... HE KISSED ONE OF THE BIRDS HE TRAINED ON THE LIPS!! EEKUMS!!........ wednesday was sea world..... we rode their ONE coaster 3 times and it rocked..... i gotted to see penguins and they were neato!!...... the last time we rode the coaster i got to sit on the front row....... great experience like flying..... jeffrey met this one guy in line with a less than jake patch and was like OMG!! VICKI LIKES LESS THAN JAKE!! it was quite funny....... he ended up being purty nice and passed all the boredom of waiting in line...... then we watched shamu which was nothing new cuz i had seen the giant fucker in san antonio..... thursday was island of adventure...... dueling dragons was super fun..... i was scared i was gonna die though cuz the thing kept breaking..... i also gotted to eat at margaritaville....... ok that's all the highlights ya know the shtuff i told my parents..... now for the conspired evil...... me and danielle (someone i now have A LOT of respect for and love for) sat on the balcony for hours talking waiting for brandee and portia to SHUT THE FUCK UP!! omg....... they are the most two faced people and they say they hate two faced people so they are hypocrites too..... well fastforward to 3 AM we had JUST fallen asleep and the phone rings and it's for portia and brandee to go smoke a cigarette on these chicks' balconies.... we were PISSED!!.... i mean shit.... it's stupid enough that they're smoking on a trip where that is prohibited but FUCK DUDE.... WE NEEDED SLEEP!! ..... danielle was like oh hell no and locked em out....... even with a key they could not get in........ it was sooooooooooooooo funny!!.... here's about how it goes
D: NO.
(repeat 5 or 6 times)
THEM: %@^#%&%$&%#!^#&&*$*$^*$
(i lost track of all the obscenities)
from that point brandee walked in and started bitching at danielle and saying "no ma'am" a LOT......
fucking biotch....... i hope she is eaten by a 3 legged gerbil
then the last night jana called and got them in trouble...... yet they still left the room again.... gawd...... people are sooooo stupid........ i got pretty pissed off at my friend jeff cuz he was hitting on some slutty 15 year olds........ he's like in college....... he is like sooooooo much better than that....... i guess i'm attached cuz i've known him too fucking long....... i mean at church since 7th grade then our parents dated so i mean..... it's like i've spent too much time with him and i KNOW he is better than to fall for their shit........ and this bitch danielle hates laurel (justin's stupid ugly x gf) i now hate too. she did some very bad stuff to matt..... and it is apparent why i love him........ i mean....... half of both of our lives is devoted to band and church......... and we do both together so it's like i see him ALLLLL the time whether i want to or not.... he was acting gay so now i call him the fag....... he gives me more hugs than everyone i know combined...... i have nothing for him but GAWD........ i have so much fun pissing off stupid chicks cuz i get more attention from him than they do...... apparently a lot of people find him attractive but i'd never think of him that way....... once i got back life has been well.... laid back..... friday night i spent the night with mary to celebrate my triumphant return.... we watched moulin rouge and invader zim and made rice krispy treats....... she had these stickers with the emporer of ethiopia on them so i put one on my butt cheek and called ryan just to tell him that........ i was hyper
we took some PHUNNY pictures.... in one i was picking a wedgie, in one we had marshmellow creme on our fingers so it looked like we were naughty little girls.... hehe....... and in the other murreh had a bandana on her head and one pant leg rolled up exposing her rainbow sox..... she reminded me of a ghetto little red riding hood so i just started calling her lil red ridin up in yo hood!.... i talked to tylenol and ryan for long periods of time..... it makes me miss tylenol more and love ryan more..... GOD I HATE LIKING HIM!!..... it sucks soooooooo much and he has a gf and i don't like that..... i'm not the kind of chick who steals peoples boyfriends so i am trying to get over it..... mary thinks that i should wait til he leaves her cuz she says he doesn't like her that much........ i'm still trying to get over it though cuz it just doesn't seem right feeling the way i do....... ty sent me a card that says I HUG YOU WITH MY HEART! (since i can't hug you in real life everyday anymore) *sniffle*....... i almost started crying like a little bitch (gawd what a geek i am!)..... oh yeah before i go i found out from wilson that we might go out with jason the hott god boy...... neither of us want him but he's hott and nice and we can make girl-e's jealous...... FUN FUN FUN!!....... and me and ryan for some reason are obsessed with his sprinkler now...... don't ask...

(wack me like a penguin would)

08:16pm 11/05/2002
  i talked to the two people i wanted to hear from the most in this fucked up little world i live in. first there was tyler...... she called while i was at ruby tuesday's..... i went outside behind the dumpster and we talked about how much it sucks there and how much i miss her and how bored i am.... i JUST called ryan...... i've been attempting to do that all week...... finally he was in and could...... i can almost guess that if i was a boy i'd be him.... he likes mah muzik.... hates the shit i do.... does the same shit i do for fun..... great guy for me to be friends with....... and i need those..... today was boring today and mary pissed me off...... she's in too much pain to go to my house but not in too much to go see sonny chucky and michelle?? backstabbing biotch..... if she wasn't like fuckin in love with sonny i'd never forgive her but i'm sure i will..... they watched mr. show...... i'm gonna assume that must be chucky's life..... episode after episode of mr. show....... allllll day every day..... n e ways..... i shall FLEE!! and to quote ryan I CAN FLY DAMMIT!!  

(wack me like a penguin would)