yes i am aware that it is 7 in the morning and i have not awaked this early since school let out but my dream last night was quite upsetting. and it had to do with well....... lots of stuff..... let me just say what i remember...... it's starts out like a normal day and i am walking down the street...... but when i get to a certain part of the street i am pinned down by an invisible force. a force that i could fight if i wanted to but i am so in shock that i do not fight it. the strange thing is i am laying on the ground still being pinned but the force does not hurt me. until i start to feel it doing well...... not so good things..... then i feel ya know tongue.... and mild penetration.... not the kind of penetration where something actually goes in but the kind where you are well...... sizing up the situation. (this dream is entirely too detailed and it is sad that it made me so depressed but the details are completely necessary to show impact)....... then i remember the last time i walked down the street i was on.... and who i was with. no one else ever kissed like that either. it was my FAVORITE person..... if you've read my journal before you realize this is bullshit. CHRIS!!...... a person i never wanted to think of again had come back to haunt me.... while i'm doing something as harmless as walking. but i come to find in a few minutes that it is all in my head when someone helps me off of the ground with ease and it all stops. i sum it up to a psychotic episode and continue on my walk. on my way home i think to myself "i sure miss tyler's mom right about now." like i always do when i am somehow reminded of her. so when i get home i call tyler. well my friends...... tyler was not home. nor was stephanie or jerry. but her MOTHER OF ALL PEOPLE answered the phone. the phone of her home in virginia. and for some reason in all my confusion and fear i don't ask her why she isn't dead. in fact i talk to her for a full hour about tyler and how much i miss her and how depressing it is down here without her. i never think twice..... damn this is strange....... for this particular part of the dream i don't make a connection of anything being wrong until later. then my mother takes me to school. I THINK SCHOOL IS OUT BUT APPARENTLY NOT!!...... i'm supposed to be in ms. renfro's room but one of my teacher's is show episode two which is apparently out on video now in the dream (?) well at some point i need to go to the bathroom, and i go, but something looks different when i get there........ i see mr. peterman's room and ms. randall's as well..... not classes i have in high school but in JUNIOR HIGH....... and mr. brown is teaching a class....... i go in and change my clothes and i think there is a stall but suddenly it disappears and i realize i have changed in a luckily EMPTY hallway.... no one has seen me...... except for well..... alexa. now this is very odd because as you can tell i don't really think of her either way. but the one thing i do remember about her she makes very very VERY apparent she suddenly went IMMEDIATELY to one of her friends, Portia, and started speaking of me as if i didn't deserve to be here and was even more psychotic than i know i am. now i've been everywhere i don't want to go today but then i realize i am late for ms. renfro's class. i walk down the hall and give some lame excuse like i just got to school so she won't scream at me and she tells me i have to go to the office to get a pass so i just walk home. but for some reason there is no phone call about my random leaving of the middle/high school. for some reason i get the funny feeling of de ja vu like i'm walking down a very warped hell of memory lane but once again i could never believe to myself that my problems are anyone's fault but my own so i continue. why she does this i will never know but all i know is that i THOUGHT i was going to end my day well. my mommy drives me to virginia to see my besterestest friend tylenol. i don't really dream about the drive up there it's just that the dream implies that i was sleeping and i somehow got there. when i do wake up me and tyler go to some place. i cannot describe where i am going because i've never been to virginia and such a place may not even exist there. we are waiting in a line and once again her mother comes to meet us. i am in the line talking to the angry midget tylenol and all is good UNTIL I START SPEAKING TO WHAT I THINK REALLY IS HER MOTHER!!...... she started asking me who i was talking to and i was like...... "do you not see your mom right here?"....... big mistake...... she just looked at me with some sad eyes as i continued talking to her mom about all the stuff me and tyler were gonna do while i was on vacation. everyone thinks this is weird who is around and they ask tyler why she looks sad. she informs them that her mother is DEAD and they start to look afraid of me as well. i KNOW i do not have a 6th sense in that dream cuz she's the only dead person i see and she looks VERY alive as if the whole thing was a scandal. i knew she died but for some reason all throughout that dream it was like although i knew she just came back. no questions asked. she's just there. well i remember the next place i am as a white room. i am bitching to some psychiatrist about my problems and all that i have seen. they feel that they need to lock me up. i am mentally unstable. as their analysis puts it i am having visual halucinations of traumatic life experiences. so i was right and it is a memory lane from hell...... being taken advantage of while i was wasted, my best friend's mother and what was as good as my second mother dying, the bathroom i oded in, the teacher who made 3rd period hell, the girl who tried to make it apparent that i meant nothing to anyone, the two faced bitch who terrorized danielle and i's orlando trip, and the return of the two people i missed the most. it was sad really, thinking about what all that shit lead to. but somehow i faked a recovery quite well getting damn sick of that depressing facility and even with drugs still seeing all of the same things i'd seen before and ignoring them. from thence i wandered around aimlessly living life as i had before the incident and completely ignoring the fact that i was seeing all of what i knew was with me. after a while of ignoring it, it all seized to exist, for i was awakened. that is all. sleep beckons me if i can get back to it.