Vicki Stixxx (vicki_stixxx) wrote,
Vicki Stixxx

why i hate mirrors........

i am depressed. i have just looked in a mirror. i see my face so lifeless and full of flaws. how anyone can look at it is beyond me. there's nothing anyone can do about this one. i've tried asking for help before. my therapist just gave me drugs and said "go." my parents just say how wonderful i am and whatever i think is wrong isn't. my friends say get over it. they don't wanna discuss it. why should they? anything wrong with me is my own fault right? it's my fault people don't like me. it's my fault i am so gross looking. i have no real friends because i am a shitty person. i look deeper into the mirror and think of it more like a year book. what do you remember about this person? did she have any friends? what can you remember about her? and so far i can't think of any good answers. because no one who remembers me has anything good to remember. but why complain? like i said it is my own fault again. then i look into the mirror like an obituary. is anyone sad that i'm gone? did i make one single life better while i was here? would anyone's life be better if i wasn't....... i can say yes. i just want something foolish that i cannot have. i want someone to love me despite my faults instead of pretending they aren't there like my parents. or trying to fix them the quick way like my therapist. or just plain ignoring me so they won't have to deal with it like my friends. if anyone can tell me one reason they are happy i'm alive or one person who needs me that i can help i'd shut up in a heart beat. i want to make someone happy even if it isn't me. but so far i've only seemed to be useful if i will have sex with someone or give them money or get revenge on someone for them. i'm not vengeful, i don't want to give anyone sex and usually i have no money. thusly, when am i ever useful? no one else cares. i'm the girl who the second they start talking you wait for them to shut up. when i walk in a room i either depress people by sitting by myself or annoy them by talking. i can't help it. it was never my intention. i don't want popularity or acceptance i just want something real. i want the people who tell me they care about me to really do it and not just say it. and i think i blew my chance because the one time i had that it was taken away. and everyone who i have thought cared about me changed and i realized they didn't. now i sit here and ponder. will anything EVER change? of course it won't. my mom and dad have both been divorced twice. that gives me no hope. it will probably happen to me too. that is assuming i ever get married. my sister doesn't give me much hope either. she was in the same boat as me. she was antisocial and didn't have close friends and guys were dicks to her too. now she just EMBRACES it all. she drinks too much and DOESN'T CARE if her friends care about her or not and LETS those stupid people fuck her. do you think i really want any of that as a future? so basically said shortly...... no one gives a shit now and never will. and i've tried for too long to deal with that. i've told myself it doesn't matter but it does. i don't need other people to live my life but sometimes i do need them to remind me that i have a purpose in being alive. like i said if there's anyone out there (there isn't) who has any reason why my being alive is an ok thing i will be happy. but i can't find that and so far it doesn't seem i ever will.........
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