ok....... this summer has turned out to be busy....... for i am a very busy girl. band camp, drum camp, friends i never knew i had, the zoo, less than jake, hours of excercise and miles of walking. i don't feel like being detailed for they were all just a series of moments that i can never regain and never want to. for i could never explain exactly how i felt at any of them. i think all of this busy behavior mainly started when i almost died. you see...... i was totally relaxed and it never occured to me at that particular place and time that i could die. see...... it's instilled in me always at the back of my mind that God could take me off of this earth at any moment he chose. nothing and no one could save me if he wanted me gone that badly. but that day i was not thinking that thought anywhere. and i almost suffocated. and i knew the end was near. and i understood the feeling and the moments of pain before that sort of conventional death. then i puked on myself and shared my epiphany with mary. damn wendy's. yup..... i want to beat the shit out of everyone who tries to give her misery. i used to be one of those people but not anymore. she hasn't done shit to anyone and if she has there's about a 90% chance that they deserved it or that it was unintentional. she's playing viola in an opera now and i'm happy for her. *hugs murreh* i love you so much. yup.... this summer i think i changed everything i hate about myself. except for two things.... i'm still fat, and i still don't have any self esteem. but ya know what??? everything else has changed.... the oppinions of others are a lot less valued now and i understand consciously who i want to change for and who just isn't worth it. my mom taught me an interesting medical fact...... people spend so much money making their face what they think to be perfect....... but if our faces were perfectly semmetrical we would look deformed. not just ugly but deformed..... this has been proven scientifically and mathematically using computers to draw out the design. i just thought that was cool. i'm gonna go to bed now.